Yesterday morning at 8:30, after sharing a demi-tasse cup of tea together and reminiscing about the beginnings of our morning ritual of tea in bed for the past 10 years, in the act of turning her to her side Shelley, slipped instantly into a coma. Many women friends now visit round the clock to stand vigil with me. She is comfortable and still fairly strong thus will probably have a few more days. However, throughout this whole journey she has proven to be unique,(including the way she fell into a coma yesterday morning) and could well have other plans.
I will let you know when she has decided to take her leave. Until then, I will be at her side and away from the blog.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Time with grandchildren
Shelley is still "fully present" with us. Yesterday, she spent a few minutes with each of the five grandchildren. The picture captures a tender moment with Ashley, the oldest grandchild. Shelley has been a "second grannie" to her since the day she was born.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Vigil Time
I am now administering Shelley's drugs with syringes. She did not eat yesterday and only had a few sips of water. Even while so much energy is being consumed to wend her way through these last days, she is still clear headed when awake. She is also mostly free of pain.
My/our friend, Marie Claire, told me yesterday that she has taken a week's vacation next week so that either she or her partner can be here round the clock with me. They think that "familiar faces" would be better than having a private nurse come in. Tears still well up whenever I think about this incredible act of compassion and their insistent/persistent/constant love and care around us both. Ann also continues to be present daily. She is often running errands for me and has been a link to health-care equipment stores buying such things as wonderful sheep-skin booties for Shelley that have made such a difference for her sore feet.
A friend recently wrote that "it is as hard staying open to death as it is keeping open to love but they are related to each other aren't they."
In our quiet home filled with loving energy, we are staying open to death and keeping open to love.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Shelley's Hands
A former student recently requested a picture of Shelley's hands; hands that held many a fledgling then shooed them from the nest that they too might go and make a difference in the world. I am grateful for her request as I too now have a picture of them. I thought that some of you also might like one.
In these last days, Shelley's spirit has become quiet and gentle. Last night, in a very soft voice she said, "I have strength to do this if you have strength to do this." In that moment, both our wells were filled.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Also...
We wanted you to know that Shelley is still quite strong and will likely be given another two to three weeks.
Roho Mattress Arrives
Last night's sleep was so much better as Shelley's "Roho Mattress" arrived making it unnecessary to turn her every couple of hours through the night. The mattress distributes pressure evenly throughout her body. Their are signs of a bed sore beginning which, we trust, the Roho will prevent from further developing so that it can heal on its own.
In a few days, a home care worker will come every morning to help me with Shelley's "spa times." O. T. was here yesterday with lots of tips to make life easier, Monica spent two hours with us checking Shelley over and waiting with her for the new mattress to arrive, and a V.O.N. (who comes daily) was also here for an hour. Such an amazing amount of support!
We both are settling in for this gentle time continuing to be grateful for what has been and appreciative of the ongoing love and care that surrounds us.
In a few days, a home care worker will come every morning to help me with Shelley's "spa times." O. T. was here yesterday with lots of tips to make life easier, Monica spent two hours with us checking Shelley over and waiting with her for the new mattress to arrive, and a V.O.N. (who comes daily) was also here for an hour. Such an amazing amount of support!
We both are settling in for this gentle time continuing to be grateful for what has been and appreciative of the ongoing love and care that surrounds us.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Moving the Day-Bed
Today we moved Shelley's "day bed" into our living room. We hope to have an air mattress soon that will help in the prevention of bed sores. I have a cot beside her so I can keep an eye on her throughout the night. She sleeps most of the time and, although every movement exhausts her, continues to remain mostly comfortable. Sadly, she no longer is able to receive visitors. A very quiet household is what she now seeks as she wends her way through this part of her journey. How very quickly life has changed for us.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Tender Time
Dear Friends and Family,
Because Shelley no longer has the energy to focus on email communications (I haven't yet been able to read the last two days of emails to her but hope there will be a window of opportunity to do so today), I invite you now just to continue holding her in your thoughts and prayers that she might feel their presence and be warmed by them. Her low oxygen level plus her extreme tiredness makes it difficult for her to concentrate. She knows you have cast a wide "Shelley circle" around her and feels strengthened, encouraged, and comforted by the gift.
It is a tender and very precious time for us and, so far, most of the time my love is fairly comfortable. We have a bundle of new fluffy towels for her morning spas, five new flannel nities and an elegant new bed jacket to keep her cozy for those occasions when she is able to sit up in bed and hold court!
Because Shelley no longer has the energy to focus on email communications (I haven't yet been able to read the last two days of emails to her but hope there will be a window of opportunity to do so today), I invite you now just to continue holding her in your thoughts and prayers that she might feel their presence and be warmed by them. Her low oxygen level plus her extreme tiredness makes it difficult for her to concentrate. She knows you have cast a wide "Shelley circle" around her and feels strengthened, encouraged, and comforted by the gift.
It is a tender and very precious time for us and, so far, most of the time my love is fairly comfortable. We have a bundle of new fluffy towels for her morning spas, five new flannel nities and an elegant new bed jacket to keep her cozy for those occasions when she is able to sit up in bed and hold court!
Friday, January 18, 2008
A Wave
Before tucking in for the night, Shelley sends a wave to you and special birthday greetings to Diann Graham!
Time with the Sandman
Shelley is spending more time with the Sandman each day, grateful for the comfort sleep brings to her dear, tired body. Understandably, she also has very little appetite. Her tummy is still swollen but has not increased significantly. I am told the reason more fluid is not accumulating is that her body is probably absorbing the fluid which likely is contributing to her tiredness and daily decline. The palliative doctor will visit next week and make a decision then about whether or not to attempt withdrawal of the fluid again. In order to keep the pain at bay and reduce the "break through meds" Shelley requires each day, her slow release pain meds are being increased.
Someone recently asked me how I managed to write on the blog. She wondered "if it was a release for me?" I've pondered her question for a couple of days before the answer presented itself. The blog helps me know, as I continue to hold Shelley, that I am not alone. I know I have a vast community holding her with me and that puts a great deal of gratitude beside the profound ache in my heart. And - when I read your communications to her, I am reminded again and again of how much she has blessed all of us by her presence in our lives. It is these things that sustain.
Someone recently asked me how I managed to write on the blog. She wondered "if it was a release for me?" I've pondered her question for a couple of days before the answer presented itself. The blog helps me know, as I continue to hold Shelley, that I am not alone. I know I have a vast community holding her with me and that puts a great deal of gratitude beside the profound ache in my heart. And - when I read your communications to her, I am reminded again and again of how much she has blessed all of us by her presence in our lives. It is these things that sustain.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A Busy Day Yesterday
We just finished our "spa and pampering time;" a wonderful image given to me that aptly describes our new morning ritual. Lots of fluffy towels, nice soap, and soothing creams!
Yesterday, our home was filled with lots of activity. Shelley's Occupational Therapist came twice to help adjust some of our new mechanical friends, a nurse from the V.O.N. paid her a visit, and then Monica Flynn - our beloved palliative nurse, came by. Each one cast their eyes and hearts over Shelley to see what they could do to make her life more comfortable.
Following discussions about a chair -lift, Shelley decided that she no longer had the energy it required to go outside, so she did not want one to be installed. The weather, let alone donning winter coats, scarfs, hats and boots, is enough to discourage anyone. She is just as pleased to remain within the comforts of her home.
Yesterday, our home was filled with lots of activity. Shelley's Occupational Therapist came twice to help adjust some of our new mechanical friends, a nurse from the V.O.N. paid her a visit, and then Monica Flynn - our beloved palliative nurse, came by. Each one cast their eyes and hearts over Shelley to see what they could do to make her life more comfortable.
Following discussions about a chair -lift, Shelley decided that she no longer had the energy it required to go outside, so she did not want one to be installed. The weather, let alone donning winter coats, scarfs, hats and boots, is enough to discourage anyone. She is just as pleased to remain within the comforts of her home.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Weekly Conversation with Friend
A snapshot of Shelley talking with a long time friend from Ontario who is also in a "cancer journey" and with whom Shelley talks weekly.
Feeling Your Love and Affection
Thanks for your emails friends! Shelley no longer has energy to focus on her emails so I read them to her when the energy of her day allows. As I share your communications with her, she continues to feel your love and affection.
In recent days, her mobility has become more limited. Moving from the bathroom, to day bed, to recliner and back to her night bed at 5:00 PM becomes her daily exercise. Over the past couple of days, she has been "swishing and swallowing" unpleasant tasting nystatin four times a day in order to deal with a thrush infection. Fortunately, her back and stomach pain is mostly alleviated by "breakthrough" pain meds. Sleep is a great friend which she is able to welcome many times throughout the day. She also sleeps extremely well through the night and has been free of nausea this past week - another blessing.
Her days are now spent completely on the main level of our home. I am less inclined to be downstairs for any length of time so, if you tend to write to me, would you please send all communications to Shelley's address so that I can receive and respond to them from our living room (sfinson@eastlink.ca).
In recent days, her mobility has become more limited. Moving from the bathroom, to day bed, to recliner and back to her night bed at 5:00 PM becomes her daily exercise. Over the past couple of days, she has been "swishing and swallowing" unpleasant tasting nystatin four times a day in order to deal with a thrush infection. Fortunately, her back and stomach pain is mostly alleviated by "breakthrough" pain meds. Sleep is a great friend which she is able to welcome many times throughout the day. She also sleeps extremely well through the night and has been free of nausea this past week - another blessing.
Her days are now spent completely on the main level of our home. I am less inclined to be downstairs for any length of time so, if you tend to write to me, would you please send all communications to Shelley's address so that I can receive and respond to them from our living room (sfinson@eastlink.ca).
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Mechanical Friends
This morning, Dr. Rob Horton (palliative care physician) visited with Shelley and, while here, he attempted to remove the build up of fluid from her abdomen. Unfortunately, the procedure wasn't successful. He will return in a week or so to try the procedure again. By that time, Shelley's tummy should look 8 months pregnant rather than 5 months pregnant. He tells us the second attempt will be successful.
Because my love's health has taken a fairly rapid downturn, we are inviting more mechanical friends into our home; among other things, a wheelchair, recliner with remote, and a chair-lift as soon as one can be installed. At noon, a friend came by to help me relocate her hospital bed from the downstairs study to the upstairs kitchen area. It will be used as Shelley's 'day bed.' At the moment she is napping on the bed, very pleased with the amount of comfort it provides and the fact she still has a good view of our bird feeders which continue to offer her much delight.
Sadly, we've been told by the palliative care team not to look for "better days." Within this new reality, we continue to be overwhelmed by angel-friends who surround us with amazing care and support.
The sun is shining brightly though our kitchen windows and it is 10 degrees outside. As with your continued thoughts and prayers, we are warmed by its presence.
Because my love's health has taken a fairly rapid downturn, we are inviting more mechanical friends into our home; among other things, a wheelchair, recliner with remote, and a chair-lift as soon as one can be installed. At noon, a friend came by to help me relocate her hospital bed from the downstairs study to the upstairs kitchen area. It will be used as Shelley's 'day bed.' At the moment she is napping on the bed, very pleased with the amount of comfort it provides and the fact she still has a good view of our bird feeders which continue to offer her much delight.
Sadly, we've been told by the palliative care team not to look for "better days." Within this new reality, we continue to be overwhelmed by angel-friends who surround us with amazing care and support.
The sun is shining brightly though our kitchen windows and it is 10 degrees outside. As with your continued thoughts and prayers, we are warmed by its presence.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Results of CT Scan
Shelley's health problems the past few days have been a foreshadowing of the difficult news we received this morning. Her cancer has spread significantly - thus the reason for her swollen tummy and feet as well as her increased tiredness.
The good news is that Shelley won't have to get out of bed early on Monday mornings to face chemo any longer. The palliative team will now take over responsibility for symptom management.
Her three siblings are arriving within the hour for their final visit before they leave - one at midnight tonight for England, the other two at 6:30 AM tomorrow. What a joy their visit has been to both of us!
With appreciation for giving us some space just to be with each other over the next couple of days.
The good news is that Shelley won't have to get out of bed early on Monday mornings to face chemo any longer. The palliative team will now take over responsibility for symptom management.
Her three siblings are arriving within the hour for their final visit before they leave - one at midnight tonight for England, the other two at 6:30 AM tomorrow. What a joy their visit has been to both of us!
With appreciation for giving us some space just to be with each other over the next couple of days.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Sharing Pancakes
Shelley's siblings have safely arrived. One of them is especially enthralled with the snow....wishes he could see it falling. Imagine!
Surrounding my love from left to right - Janette, Will and Tom. It was a rough start to Shelley's day but it picked up considerably with her siblings energy and love in our home!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Looking for a better tomorrow
The past few days have been very challenging for Shelley. She has experienced extreme fatigue, swollen feet, sore back and tummy, as well as bowel complications. Recent blood work has indicated that her thyroid is out of wack so her GP upped her thyroid meds. We are hoping that the next few days will bring a return to a greater sense of wellness.
Janette, Thomas, and William arrive at 10:30 tonight. If you have a moment, all prayers, thoughts and energy sent Shelley's way this weekend would be appreciated. She is quite disappointed because she may not be able to be out and about with her family in the way she had hoped.
Looking for a better tomorrow.
Janette, Thomas, and William arrive at 10:30 tonight. If you have a moment, all prayers, thoughts and energy sent Shelley's way this weekend would be appreciated. She is quite disappointed because she may not be able to be out and about with her family in the way she had hoped.
Looking for a better tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
On other side of CT Scan
Yesterday was the CT scan day. I suspect it was all the "guck" that went into my body prior to the scan, but I felt pretty much under par following the test.
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